Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Time to Think...

I know the last post wasn't incredibly exciting in hearing about my journey, I imagine it was a little entertaining though. While writing it yesterday, my mom asked what I write about. I explained how we are taking this journey back to the beginning and working our way to today. Stupidly, I divulged that I had something in the post about her and I thought I was going to be in so much trouble. Thankfully, after reading her what I had already written, she "allowed" me to post yesterday's without changing anything. Thanks mom!

Getting back to the story...

After a couple of hours of much needed sleep, my grandparents arrived at our house. They had spent the better part of the afternoon talking with my cousins at lunch. Since I wasn't there, I'm really not sure of the details of their conversation, but I know from some things my grandfather said they filled them in on some of the details of the meeting with Dr. Femino and his nurse as they could remember them. I must say that my entire family was not only in a state of shock by the drastic options that had been presented to us, but we were all feeling such devastation from the news as it was presented.

I truly believe it is in this time of devastation that I needed to place myself at the throne of God, sit at His feet and let Him love on me. The devastation was so deep for each one of us that day, there seemed to be no other place I needed be. Sleeping for those few hours allowed me to escape  from all that had happened and regroup to address this thing head-on. Without it, I know that I would not have found my way into His arms as quickly as I did that day. I would have continued to stew inside about what the doctor had said. I would have continued to rehash every last word of the conversations and planned a verbal response back to the doctor for not having a better plan offered to us than to loose my leg to this disease and confront him about the way he presented it to us.

I thank my grandfather for having the state of mind to suggest we take time as a family to ponder and discuss the options before making a hasty decision. Yet, in my mind (and anger) I already had my mind made up. It didn't take long for my grandparents to greet my parents and make their way back to my room to talk. I knew at this point there was no getting away from discussing at least a portion of the day with them.

My grandfather came in first and sat down on the bed. He started by asking, "So, what do you think?" My response was one of vinegar and not honey. "I don't care what he says, he's not taking my leg! I would rather have the bone scraping than to loose my leg." In true fashion, my grandfather chuckled at my response and said he didn't think I would.

My grandfather has the ability to make any bad situation look like a bed of roses, sooner or later. He is a shrewd businessman in commercial real estate. An honest man who finds a way to make things happen for the good, even when things look like they are at their worst. He is completely devoted to his family and he loves my grandmother more than anything. He is a man who fights for justice in situations and will give you the shirt off his back if he thinks it will help you. He finds the things to be positive about even when you WANT to focus on the negative, and somehow gets you to let your guard down and relax when you are ready to fight (when it is not time to fight).

For a good 30 minutes we talked about the different options in detail looking at the pros and cons of each. Having slept for a while, I was able to look a lot more rationally and analytically than I had before at what was presented to us and make a decision as to what was going to be the ideal choice (if complete healing wasn't going to be on the table). I had a pretty good idea of what direction I felt was best, but wanted to see how the rest of the family felt and what they thought would be best.

Not long after my grandfather and I finished talking, my grandmother came in and sat down to talk. She gave a great big hug and was visibly still shaken by the news. We talked about pros and cons of each option as well as the emotional toll this had taken and was going to continue taking on our family. Neither one of us ever thought we would have this kind of decision facing us as we did. We finished our conversation by talking about sitting down with mom and dad to discuss the options so I could make my final decision.

Now that I was ready to talk with the family about these options, my mom needed her time and space to deal with the issue. So, dad and I gave her the space she needed for a few days. When she was finally ready to talk, the 3 of us sat down and discussed what we all thought about the options and how each one of them would look short-term and long-term. I still had my decision in mind and hadn't really said what I was thinking because I wanted to hear what they had to say. Ultimately though, we all pretty much came to the same conclusion. The best option for not only me, but the entire family was to go with the option of the 'wide resection' with a saddle prosthetic.

With this decision behind us, it was time to bring it to the doctor and find out how and when we go about moving forward.

Next, "A Little Time Out."

"Preserve me, O God, for in You I put my trust." Psalm 16:1

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