"If It Weren't For..."

I digress again as this is heavy on my heart:

Tonight, I am torn internally. While I write about my journey four years ago, I was at a place of faith where I knew that God was right there with me and that He was guiding everything which was going on. It was easy that time to put my trust in Him fully and not lose site of my faith in the process. I felt His presence with me from day one.

I walk a much different life now.

Things for me are so much different four years later. Without giving a lot away from the journey, my struggles are now daily and extremely intense. The struggles I face feel more real than before and sometimes life seems futile. And I have to say that this time God doesn't make a lot of sense to me, which is why I am now reading When God Doesn't Make Sense by Dr. James Dobson. I find that I can identify with what he talks about through the first part of my journey. We don't know why God chooses to heal some and not others. We can't box Him in and say it has to be a certain way or we don't believe either. At least I can't. But it does't change the fact that I don't understand why now is so drastically different for me than before; why my struggles are so intense and seem to test my faith and trust in Him even deeper. I now have asked, "Why me?"

Scripture says:

"Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always." 1 Chronicles 16:11

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I have found myself explaining to people how I feel most recently saying, "If it weren't for the pain, I would be doing good (or great)." Dr. Dobson talks about this in chapter 3 "God Makes Sense Even When He Doesn't Make Sense."He relays the story of Martha and Mary calling on Jesus to come and heal their brother Lazarus and their lack of questioning Him when he didn't come until after Lazarus was in the tomb for several days. They didn't ask Him "Why?" He didn't come when they called for Him. Mary said, "...if you had been here, my brother wouldn't have died..."

I can see a lot of Mary in me as I walk this new path. I don't see Martha hurrying about to "do" things, I see myself as Mary was, at the feet of Jesus. I tell Him, "If only You would take the pain..." I don't have to know "why" this is happening to me on this side heaven, I just wish "If it weren't for the pain, I would be doing good."

Thanks for taking this trip with me today. We'll get back to the journey tomorrow.