When You're Up, You're Down

August 2009 was a great time having come back from vacation, swinging a baseball bat again and celebrating one year of major accomplishments since the hip surgery. That alone deserved an entire year to celebrate. Just as a reminder, most of the doctors on my hospital case didn't hold out any hope that I would walk again following this surgery. Since then, I have done nothing but prove them wrong and walk continuously once I was up and stable.

White spot on bottom left of the bone, appears to be
more cancer within the pelvic bone.

Three more months would go by and the pain I was feeling in my right buttock area kept increasing. None of the tests we had done had any of the doctor concerned. From August to November, pain management was the only option that any of the doctors would entertain. After these three months, it was apparent to my surgeon that we needed to go back and do another PET Scan since my pain was only increasing. So, my mom flew back out to stay with me while I went through another battery of tests to see if there was a reason for the pain.

On November 2nd I had X-Ray's taken. As soon as the imaging came back, I had them sent directly to my surgeon in California. And I went through with having the PET Scan done as well. Time was closing in on Thanksgiving and mom and I were going to have a quiet meal at home. One day after one of my mid-day appointments, mom and I went to lunch at a local BBQ chain restaurant near my work. While ordering lunch, I received a call from my surgeon's nurse, Helen. Not much was said about the tests, however Helen made it clear that we should come back to California for additional testing, possibly another biopsy.

It was really difficult for me to concentrate on eating my lunch after this news. I was really upset by this news. I couldn't understand why after several "clear" tests in February and August, this test came back so questionable. The pain had been there for quite some time while the tests were negative. How could I have another mass again so fast?

So, mom and I had Thanksgiving and made it through to the next week. We left for California at the beginning of December so we could get to the City of Hope to begin another set of tests. I would undergo a bone scan to see if the density of my bones had been compromised and see if there was anything else the PET and CT Scans didn't pick up. They also did some more X-Rays and another CT to take a look at all aspects of the pelvic mass that appeared from nowhere, or so it seemed.

By mid-December, all tests were complete and I was meeting with my surgeon again to review everything. Of course, as soon as we saw him we wanted to know "why" all-of-a-sudden there was a mass that didn't show on the others in previous months. He explained that there had been evidence of something previously, but that it hadn't been large enough to be concerned at that time. What was troubling to me about this was the pain I had been telling him and other doctors about should have been a sign and something they should have taken seriously. I felt the good news they had been telling us over the past several months was just a bunch of bull. Despite the pain, I felt deflated as the positive reports turned to one of the worst pieces of news a cancer patient could get.

While this news was devastating to our family, it was another step in my faith journey that needed to be traveled. Some day, maybe not this side of eternity, I will understand why this journey has to be mine to take. Until then, to God be the glory forever and ever, Amen!

Next..."A Quilt, Surgery and a Nerf Sized Tumor"

Reflection:
"Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy, To the only wise God our Saviour, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen." Jude 1:24-25

It's Been One Year and I'm Going Strong

Disclaimer: This is a long one today. Please make sure you have plenty of time to read this all the way through before beginning. There's a lot of good stuff in here.


August 2009:
After coming home from a good but painful vacation, diving back into work was easy. Most people say that they have a hard time focusing the first few days after returning from a long vacation like I had (three weeks!). I had no problem getting into the swing of things.

See the ball to the left of the man. It looks like the ball
is sitting on the ground by his feet.

And, speaking of swinging...

The department I worked in had a summer picnic every couple of years or so. The basic idea was to get out of the office for a short time, usually on a Friday and either do some team building exercises, or just have some plain 'ol fun as a group. Our vice president usually agreed more for the team building exercises so it was still a productive working day.

On a Thursday at the end of August 2009, our 30+ person Marketing & Communications department had our picnic at a local park. We grilled hamburgers and hot dogs for the bunch with all the typical side dishes and picnic fare. Spouses and children were invited to join in the festivities. After "lunch" was over, the ladies gathered in lawn chairs and blankets cheering on the men as they played unorganized softball and frisbee. The men encouraged the older children to join in as they felt comfortable doing to keep everyone busy and not bored.

Since the children were getting to "play," some of the ladies decided it might be fun to "play" a little too. I, of course, couldn't let everyone else have all the fun! I waited a while and finally joined in by going up to bat. I had played some softball when I was in high school, a little after college in the adult leagues as a substitute player and at our church's annual summer picnic. I knew I wasn't very good, but I still loved to hit the ball around.

I took off my flip-flops so I wouldn't worry about getting tripped up with them on. I grabbed a bat and swung it around in circles to warm up my shoulders. I walked with my cane to what we were calling "home plate," tossed the cane aside and got in the best batting stance I could with my hip and all. The pitcher threw a couple of really bad pitches both wide and low. Finally, after several attempts a great pitch came in and I launched that ball between the third base man and the short stop. Neither of them could field that ball, so it was up to the center-fielder. My job here was done. I could still play ball and NOT lose my balance and fall flat on my face. Today was a good day. I spent the rest of the afternoon sitting with the ladies in the lawn chairs watching the guys and cheering on the kids that wanted to play.

The next day was another work day. But, this day also marked one year since I had my hip surgery. Since I was working, it didn't really hit me that it was my one year anniversary. When I did finally realize what the day marked, I talked with a couple of my co-worker friends about it. We talked about how well I was doing and getting along on my own. We talked about how my family felt about my living independently again; and how I felt on my own again.

It was great to look back on such a dire situation and see the hand of the Lord on me, my family and my doctors. From the anticipated 12 hour surgery only taking 6 1/2 hours, to the staph infection landing me back in the hospital for 5 weeks and being able to remove the body brace months earlier than expected.

I was talking with a co-worker the other day about answered prayers, faith and joy in the midst of trials. She had prayed for me in the morning devotions for cancer pain and I circled back with her later in the day to let her know that I didn't have any pain since she had prayed for the cancer in my chest. When people pray for us, it is a great boost to their faith when we let them know how the Lord answered their prayers. I'm sure there have been times where you had prayed for someone or something and wished you had known the outcome of that prayer. I have learned over and over again with the few friends and family I trust to take my requests to on a constant basis that letting them know their prayers are effective gives them great joy.

The scripture says, "But you, beloved, building yourselves up on your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life." Jude 20-21

I think that this verse helps me to KNOW that my friends and family are better off when I tell them their prayers are (and even sometimes are not) working.

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:6-7

I believe it is important to build not only your faith, but the faith of those around you. And most frequently our faith is built through adversity rather than through good times because we are refined in the process. Our faith is of greater importance to the Lord than the riches of the world (which He created anyhow).

And finally looking back at the year since surgery, I can tell you there could have been many times where I let bitterness take control of my life. This affliction of cancer is no picnic. Not for me. Not for my friend Valerie and her husband Mitch (who is going through major trials with his cancer right now). Not for my grandma who is a survivor since the '80s. And, not for my family losing my aunt Jane in the early '80s either. Years went by in my childhood and teen years feeling guilty that I had been too scared to see my aunt in her failing condition. And I never got closure on her death.  But, in my own affliction now, I can recall the grace and hope of the Lord and I have worked through those feelings.

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." Lamentations 3:19-26

Focus on the good of the Lord. Every morning think of one good thing He has done for you specifically. Write it down if you have too. When you think about the good, it is hard to let the bad creep back in. Stay focused on the good of the Lord. It is the anchor of hope I have held on to through this affliction. People notice happy people. And being one of the Lord's is a happy place to be. People will take notice of it.

Here's to one year since surgery!!!

Question:
Have you been able to loo back at a time of adversity and see the hand of the Lord that brought you through? Share with us one of those times.

The Tide is High...

Here are the last few lines of a recent post by my co-worker Toben Heim on The Simple Wife: "The tide feels like it is turning a little. There was a lot of bad and very little good there for a while but some good is creeping in. Yes! Let's keep it rolling!" (If you don't know much about this blog, The Simple Wife, please read back to January 2011 to understand why I find it important for me to follow.)

Toben's words got me thinking about the song, "The Tide is High," by the classic '80s group Blondie. The song was originally written in 1967 and performed by the Jamaican group The Paragons. But, Blondie's version is newer and more recognized. The lyrics are so not about our relationship with the Lord. However, I am claiming the chorus as my own anthem to Him. Here are the words (sing along out loud if you know the tune):

The tide is high but I'm holding on
I'm gonna be your number one
I'm not the kind of girl who gives up just like that
Oh, no

Repeated at the end of the song until it fades out with a bunch of ad libbing going on, is what I hear in my head over and over again. For anyone who really knows me, they know that I am NOT the kind of girl who gives up, period. I "Fight On" (hearing the USC Trojans anthem here), till the end (hearing the '70s "We Are The Champions" by Queen now). Who knew that three lines at the end of a blog post would elicit so many songs in ones head? Gosh!

Here's the point...

My life has been filled with so many issues from my health over the past several years. It has taken a physical and mental toll on me which has culminated in my feeling as though the tide keeps rising and never seems to ebb. As Toben reflected in his blog post about his families experiences of a lot of bad things happening with very little good; I can say the same thing for my life, just in a longer period of time. But, I am holding on and I am number one to the Lord. He cares that much for me. He cares that much for Toben and his family. And He cares that much for you!

The tide may be rising in your life, but hold on! God cares for you and you are number one in His eyes.

Next..."It's Been One Year and I'm Going Strong"

Reflection:
"Are not two sparrows sold for a cent? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows." Matthew 10:29-31 (New American Standard Version)

Weekend Colorado Treks, More Doctors and a Real Vacation

After returning to Colorado, life went back to normal with work and semi-daily calls home so the family knew all was well with me. The only difference now was that I was waiting with great anticipation for July to come so I could take a vacation and rest from all the therapy and running around from trying to make life livable in my new world.

Everything seemed to be alright. Walking with the cane proved to be wonderful compared to the walker or the four point cane. Time spent with my friends, was as close to it had been before as it could be. I was driving my car and aside from a little pain while sitting, it was like it had been before as well. My mom had made my apartment very livable for my new special needs, and I was able to adapt easily.

Mom came out in July to see me and to help me get ready for vacation in Hawaii. With the couple of weeks we had, we used the weekends to tour Colorado a little and show mom some new things about the state I live in. First, mom and I took off for the western slope of Colorado. We headed out Hwy 50 with stops at the Royal Gorge and the Black Canyon of the Gunnison before heading north to Grand Junction for the night. The next morning we headed to the Colorado National Monument for a little tour. Then, we hit the road east heading home to rest and get ready for work the next day again. We packed a lot into a two day trip, and it was satisfying to have accomplished things that I hadn't even done before. It was exciting, but I was beginning to really pay a heavy price for all this fun.

The next weekend, I had never been on the Cog Railroad so we made our reservations and took off up the 14er (short for 14,000 ft. mountain top). We had a very bumpy ride. So much so, that my little pain while sitting in my car was now a big pain and constant. But, the view from the top of the mountain was beautiful and the air was cool and crisp.

I worked a couple more days of the week before it was time to head to the airport for my long awaited vacation. I was off to Hawaii again, but this time I didn't have a surgery looming over my head, just PET Scans and X-Rays for a check-up. I was going to be able to enjoy this trip, or so I thought.

Mom and I got to California, where dad picked us up at the airport. We were going to stay for a couple of days and then all of us were going to fly over to Hawaii together. First, I had to see my doctors and get those six month tests out of the way. All went very well and we were happy being on our way to Maui.

My cousins were going to come along this time too, with my little cousin (just married) coming over for a couple of days without her husband (how did that go over?).

I really like Maui. It is a great place to relax and unwind with the sounds of the ocean waves rolling in to shore, the cool trade winds blowing through the palm trees and the smell of freshly picked pineapples from the local fields on trucks heading for the processing plant. Plus, I get to spend a lot of time in the water to take the pressure off my hip area. It really is great therapy for me. I get a lot of exercise in the water just floating around for hours at a time.

My time out of the water this trip was mostly spent laying in bed on my stomach to give my tailbone a rest. I thought that my tailbone had been bruised from the Cog Railroad, but it turned out that wasn't the case. We went through two weeks of a great vacation with me on my stomach for half the time. I'd have to find out what was going on with my tailbone area and why the pain seemed to escalate. That would have to wait until I was back in Colorado and working again, because my test all came out clear.

I also spent my 40th birthday in Maui. we had a great dinner out at a place called the Lahaina Fish Company. It was a lot of fun having an ocean side table and being able to see the sunset for our dinner entertainment (aside from my families antics).

Time ended in Maui, and it was back to reality of the daily grind.

Next...a side journey to present day..."The Tide is High."

Question:
What is your favorite vacation spot to forget about your daily chores or work?